Knowing when to stop

I’m the queen of not finishing what I’ve started, and making excuses for quitting. Just this month, I’ve already given up on the 365 Grateful series (I was tired, and I don’t get out much), Chantelle’s photo a day challenge (once again, tired), and in the past, running whenever it got too hard.

Having the twins saw me get rather large in the belly department:

38 weeks, the day before Harry and Zach were born.
38 weeks, the day before Harry and Zach were born.

While I put on an average amount of weight for a twin pregnancy, and lost most of it just by giving birth, I stacked weight back on in the early weeks of Harry and Zach’s life. Breastfeeding two babies meant that I had to eat all of the food, all of the time. I’ve never been so hungry in all of my life. i ate whatever I could shove in my face the fastest.

I started a learn to run program recently to shift those pesky kilos, and to reclaim my health and fitness. I’m also eating much, much better. I promised myself at the start, that I would not give up. I would not give in to old excuses, having a stitch, being tired, not being a runner. And I haven’t. 6 weeks ago, I struggled to run for one minute. Tonight, I ran 16 minutes non-stop. 16 minutes. I’ve never run for that long without stopping before in my life. Ever.

I’ve gone too far with not giving up though, I’ve gone past ignoring my body’s complaints of it being too hard. I’ve been ignoring two injuries, telling myself that I was trying to come up with excuses for not running again. My ankle has been hurting for the past two weeks. I can ignore it while running, but it certainly makes it’s presence known the following day. I’ve had a dull ache in my lower back for about a week. I’ve been ignoring it too, not even mentioning it to hubby, lest I make it more real. Tonight, when I finished running, the plan was to walk for a few kilometres before heading home. Only, I realised a few minutes into my walk, and my breathing had returned to normal, that the dull ache that I’d ignored while running had become so painful that I was limping. I pushed on for a bit, but the pain, and the limp got worse.

As I headed home, the stubborn voice in my head told me I was making excuses again, that I was giving up. But 1.5 hours later, I am still in pain, I am still limping. I know I need to rest it, I probably need to see a physio, for both my back and my ankle. The thought of resting scares me though. What if resting becomes an excuse not to start again once I am healed? What if I lose all my hard-gained fitness, and I have to start all over again? What if I don’t start again?

I’ll be honest and admit that I probably won’t rest as much as I should, although I will seek treatment. It’s funny, in the past, the thought of running scared me, the fear of pain and fatigue made me stop. Now the thought of stopping scares me, even pain won’t make me stop. Somehow, I need to find the in-between.